“Butterflies”

I had responded to a post on Tersia Burger’s blog and I started to get into the story of how I met Michelle and my spiritual awakening.  So today I wanted to tell my story of the “Butterflies.”

Even though we have recently lost our 2nd daughter, Munchkin, my 1st Angel in Heaven passed away 30 years ago at the tender age of 3 1/2.  I was very young and pregnant with Munchkin.  A very trying time but as the years passed and we had Munchkin to raise, life got easier and time let us live.

It never leaves you, the empty feeling, but you can learn where to place it so that you can go on.

I’m not exactly sure how long ago it was that I met Michelle but it was at least 5 years ago that I can say for sure.  My sister had called me about this lady she met at her tanning station.  She was a “reader/intuitive” and was going to do a gallery reading with her in-laws and wanted to know if I would go to make up the 6th person that they needed.  I was intrigued and so I agreed.  What could it hurt (not that I believed in it 100%) but thought it would be fun.

I met my sister at her house and on our way to the reading I was telling her about all of these “Butterflies” that were appearing around me and my husband.  I do not remember exactly what time of year it was, summer perhaps because I know we would be sitting out side and these butterflies would just appear and not just flutter by us but land on us, and stay.  You could not get rid of them.   I remember how uncanny it was to watch my husband mow the yard and this one yellow butterfly landed on his hat and stayed there the entire time he was mowing.  I was intrigued because of all the noise and vibration and moving around he was doing you would of thought the butterfly  would of fluttered away and yet it stayed with him the entire time.

I remember another day during this time I was sitting outside under the awning and a small, yellow butterfly flew all around me and then landed right in front of me, and stayed, and then another and another and one more!

Four yellow butterflies all landed at my feet.  I commented to my daughter Lindy that I knew that was her!  I talked to her a few minutes just telling her how I appreciated the butterflies and knowing that she was still around us.

So right before we went in I told my sister, “if this lady is for real then she will mention Butterflies” and then we will know for sure that it is Lindy and Lindy is coming through.

As soon as we walked in the door I remember Michelle just “eyeing” me and following me with her eyes.  “Great,” I thought, she can already see right through me and I am going to die!

We started to take our seats and Michelle looked directly at me and pointed to me, “You are O.C.D.,” aren’t you?

I laughed and commented that “Yes, I believe I am “Obsessive, CONTROLLING, Disorder,” I will admit to that, but not COMPULSIVE.”  We all laughed and she agreed that she was also!

The session started and she even started with me.  Needless to say we were all intrigued.  The things she pointed on all made sense and I could relate to yet she hadn’t mentioned anything about Lindy.

I was the note taker after that and wrote down the conversations she had on the others (because you do tend to forget afterwards) you are so consumed in every word you forget what was actually said.   The evening progressed and soon we were all finished and everyone started to leave, except me and my sister.

I pulled out one of the last picture’s I had of Lindy and asked Michelle if she could tell me anything about my daughter.   She motioned for us both to sit back down while she looked over the picture and rubbed it gently.

“She’s right here sitting beside me.”  She is actually with you all the time.

“You can hold out your hand and she will put her hand in yours.”  A moment I will never forget.  Not that I felt her, but it was a moment for me.

Michelle then asked me:  “What’s with all the Butterflies?”

My sister grabbed my hand and was just weeping tears of joy as was I!

She is there, here with us.  Right in front of me and she is really with us all the time.

I have not lost her completely, I just can no longer see her or feel her.   She is here, always.

I do not remember much more of the reading.  That was my awakening.  That was my beginning!

Michelle had also confided in us that she herself had lost a young son many years ago also.  We are close in age (I, a little further south than she is), but our lives seemed to intertwine in some ways.  We could relate to the loss of a child.  Something I rarely had come across.  We talked some as to how we both had experienced the non-help there was during our times of grieve.  The counseling was not exactly what fit either of us and neither of us continued and just found our own ways of dealing with it.   “Close it up,” and move on.   Not the best move but the most accepted.

Through the years we became friends.  I no longer needed a reading after that.  I found out all I wanted to know.  I found my daughter.  I do not need to know about my future, it will happen regardless and I will live it (correction, have lived it) as in loosing our Munchkin.   Michelle was right there beside me and has stayed beside me now the entire time helping me in getting past the pain.  Her spiritual side is a blessing, her nurturing and understanding of what it is like to also loose a child has helped me beyond measure.

She knows when to check in on me (or I could say one of my Munchkins is telling her to).  Uncanny!  Just two weeks ago she called me and asked if I was doing the “What If’s.”  You may know what I mean……. what IF I had done this, what IF I had done that…..the guilt trip!   She said “Munchkin says to stop it.”   There are no What IF’s!  You could not of done anything to prevent it.

I cried for a bit while she consoled me and made me realize it was the Mom Factor.  We do this all of our lives.  We love.

Michelle has grown as an intuitive since the first time I saw her.  She has moved a couple of hours away but we still stay in contact almost weekly.  She has advanced in her gift and has a good client base now.  She also knows when someone needs her and has a special place for moms who are in need of connection.

So watch for the little things you might take for granted.  Someone may be sending you a “hello!”

Waiting on that Miracle —– Any time now

Just went over the bills.  Ummmm, not looking so good. Last month was slower than normal for a December in my business as a Scentsy Consultant.  I had to give up one show to stay with the dogs since all of our dog sitters were actually gone.  The team I manage isn’t doing as well as I expected we would for December and so the commission check came in…….”ouch!”   We will be living it lean this month. 

Which leads me to next month’s big show in Houston.  I’ve been running numbers and really do not see how I can make it.  We may have to take out of the husband’s business although I hate to do that.  I keep thinking it is time for me to find that part time job to bring up my side of the income and yet I’m so used to doing my own thing all of these years, it’s even harder to read job openings.  I just clench thinking I may have to go work for someone else.  I worked for the insurance company for over 14 years which was a telecommuting job.  More “tele” than commuting. Then quit and went full force into Scentsy managing my team, working my business, training and such.  It is an entirely different world than working 9-5.   But something has to give.  

We have plenty of items to sell out in the garage from picking up that storage unit to the rest of Munchkin’s items.  Yet we want to wait until Spring.  It will be a lot to get out and we need good weather to bring in the crowd.  (We were somewhat professionals at this for a few years). 

I guess the Lexapro is working because I’m not stressing too much over it. 

I am an entrepreneur at heart.  But with the economy the way it is, it doesn’t make that kind of lifestyle a rich living.  Chickens or feathers! Scentsy has been chickens all of these years, but some roller coasters must go down before they go back up.  I did manage to build my own website (yea).  This was something that was on my mind for over 2 years.  Munchkin just kept us so busy with her life that I never quite had the time.  It seems I finally “had the time.”  I need to learn more about the SEO and building links, it will come when I can get my interest back in it.  Right now, it was another step for me.  Each item you check off your list is a step!  Even if you have not finished it in it’s entirety, it is a step forward. 

It is harder without you.  Things we didn’t really think about before of course.  The dog thing was one.  You, Munchkin would always watch the dogs for us if we had to go away.  Now I have to drop them off to other people.  I hate doing that.  Daisy (our 17 year old Dachshund) is too old to be boarded.  But then again it was nice to just have the entire weekend to myself.  I really needed that. 

So, I give my thanks every day as to people, things, prayers that come my way.  I know we have been blessed with so much even though sometimes I fret over the small things or finance’s, I know we have been blessed.  How could we not be.  I am/was the mother of two very special girls.  These blessings will continue, I know they will.  It is not the end, but a new beginning.  Not one I know we thought would ever happen but it is what it is.  It is up to us how we see it through. 

My lights will shine as two stars twinkle in heaven.  So every time I see one, I will forever count it as a wink. 

Much love,

Mom.

Long Journey

I can say that 11 months has passed since you left.  A very long 11 months.  So many things have happened and I know you’ve been with us.  I look for your guidance at times, both of you actually.  But I know your guidance here is not the same as to where you are.  I ask for guidance as to dealing with the pain.  To take it away.  To let me move on.  I know how but it is the hardest thing to do, is to move the pain away and let the guidance in.  

The pain is a mother’s way of wanting to stay connected.  To still know that our love is there, yet it is now a painful remembrance.  Not the love that we want but it is the only one we can feel.  To accept the guidance that I know you are telling me, is to look beyond the pain and feel the spirit.    For when I do that, I feel all the love and the comfort and can move in another direction.  The “love pain” keeps me from doing what I want, but it is out of guilt that I do that.   Guilt as in…….you leaving before us.   Part of me doesn’t want to move on. 

The kids give us that love whether they know it or not.  Just being here, playing and arguing and having fun.  They love the new place.  So do we.  It was like you picked it out for us.  It has play ground equipment on the North side to which Cason calls it “The Park.”  He loves playing out there with his sister and brother when we get all of them together.  It was late in September when we finally got all moved in and cleaned and painted the place.  It was a lot of work, but we are enjoying it.  I call it “Serenity.”  It is less acres than we had before but more than enough for us right now.  The large Pin Oak trees are everywhere.   Your dad wants me to put up curtains on the back doors yet I love that when you walk by all you see are the trees.  It is seclusion on one side and a busy road in the front, but the scenery takes away any noise that you hear.   I have many ideas as to what to do outside.  The playground needs some attention to make it safer for the baby.  I figure it will be a spring project and look forward to it.  

Next month is your one year.  I have looked forward to it as my passing, my marker.  Knowing one year has gone by without you in it will let me know I can make the coming years.  This month so far is bleak.  I have almost finished the Christmas shopping yet I cannot stand to hear the Christmas music.  I’m not ready to be that happy, that joyous of the season.  We will get the 2 older kids next week yet I still haven’t heard from the babies dad.  I had hoped it would not come to this.  I had hoped he had broken enough hearts on this side and we could all move on.  Yet, you know where we are and you know we actually expected it to happen.  He’s been good all year with letting us get the baby, and now at Christmas and a new girl friend it has came down to us being pushed to the side.  I would of worked and had hoped we would be able to work on some sort of relationship in the future.  These are things that GOD will take care of.  I’m not going to worry about it anymore.  His Christmas will stay there until we get him.  I had just hoped it would be all 3 together since the older 2 want him also.  Youth has it’s limits and it isn’t experience that you inherit.  That always comes in time. 

I plan on stepping forward soon.  I was waiting for all of my “first’s” to happen then I can step into where I’ve been called.  To help me is to help others.  I knew I had to experience and go through all of my first’s without you before I could manage all of my feelings and put them together.  I am tired of feeling down and depressed.  It is the rocky road we have to endure.  I am looking forward to help build a bridge for those that will need it.  I have to admit I’ve done most of it this year by myself, which isn’t good.  Michelle has been there for me a lot but most of it as you know is all personal gain.  We have to walk the path still on our own thoughts and our own days to get past the pain to be able to step into our new live’s without you. 

You are not gone, I know that.  Only your physical form as I know you are with me now and giving me inspiration because I have not once shed a tear while writing this.  Touche’.   Mark that down as an accomplishment! 

Life continually changes, life goes on.  

Love Mom. 

 

PS: I’m praying for our little Jaxson.  I know GOD is watching him…..but he has had a set back and he is so young.  Be with your cousin and give her your strength.  They need it now.  Lift him up to GOD and I pray GOD will heal him. 

 

The passage

Searching for answers and reason is a normal process in which we all must go through when we loose our children.  The reality is slow, yet it will come.  These first few posts are my way of dealing with some ongoing issues that I have and a release.  I will get through it, yet I will never get “over it.”  And never, ever use those words (get over it) to a person who has lost a child.  We “Get through it.”  Never do you get “over it.”  

Answers come in many formats.  The most common is having someone to talk to.  If you have a loved one, a friend, even just an acquaintance that has lost a child, please call them.  Even after so many months pass they still need a release.  It takes about a year to get passed the “open wound” that we feel.  The best way to describe it to people who say “I cannot imagine what you are going through” is to imagine part of your Soul gone.  It is such a deep, intense pain that feels like part of your insides have just been ripped out yet you are physically intact.  

When people say “I don’t know what to do.”  You lend an ear.  This is what they need.  Help keep them busy.  Idle minds is what we revert to and when we are idle we have nothing better to do than to think of what we no longer have. 

Send them letters or even a card months after just letting them know you are still thinking about them.  We believe our best passage is to not talk about it.  It is and it isn’t.  We have to move on, yet we feel guilty doing so because we are still here. 

Searching will come in forms of books.  I, myself cannot buy one that tells you how to “deal with loosing a child.”  I look more into the spiritual books.  I look to be closer to my children whom are in “different forms now.”  

They will question God and Why.  This is normal, but will pass in time.  God is what gets us through.  Our answers are not what we have been brought up to believe.  We question God because we cannot believe a child can be taken from us.  YET, the age doesn’t have any measure in our existence here.  I believe our “task” is done.  Completed.  We all come from God and we go home to God.  That is our ultimate reason for making our life here.  To go home and be with God.  

When our children make it there before we do.  Then you were blessed with souls who’s tasks here were short. We must endure because we still have many things to learn.  

Having faith will rest the fear. 

 

Time

Today is May 21st.  Four months from the date you left.

Today I will get Wittly.  We haven’t seen him in over a month and we really want to spend some time with him.  I know he will wonder where Cason and Leah are and I had thought about waiting until next weekend when we will have them here.  But we miss him so much and just want to spend a couple of days with him.

Today is also a passage.  Today marks 4 months that you left and yet it is the first day in the new life of so many others.  Oklahoma was just hit by a massive tornado killing over 20 children.   I have and keep thinking of those parents.  What they have to go through.   It is such a long road that is forgotten by so many around you.  The first few days and months are the hardest.

As of now I still wait for you to walk through the back door or for my phone to ring and it is you.  I know Dad is the same way.  We continue to wait for you to come home.

We still have such a hard, hard time even speaking your name.  I do okay in speaking with others as long as I can change the conversation quickly.  I can’t say your name or talk about you without being emotional.  As long as I don’t speak out loud than I can manage.   These parents are just starting.  I know how they feel from loosing Lindy at 3 and now you at 30.

That reminds me, I need to check with Michelle about what you wanted me to remember.  You said the “number 3”.  That first day Michelle called me she also said that you were telling her something about “the number 3” but she didn’t know either what you meant.  Mainly because you were telling her so many things to relay to me that she was having a hard time keeping up with you.  I pictured you doing this in my head.  It was so you!

God Bless all the parents in Moore, Oklahoma today and tomorrow and for many, many days to come.  He will carry them.  This I can tell you by faith and experience.  You will not know it but he really is carrying your pain.

You are constantly on my mind.  Every tiny thought before I close my eyes at night and the first thought when I open them again.

It will get better.

Munchkin

The lovely Munchkin.

Mel just turned 30 on the 2nd of January and passed away on the 21st.  My blog has to do with my Mel but I promise it will not be a memorial of sorts.  Her death was early and unnecessary.  She left behind 3 children, me and her father plus many family members.  Her adult life was troubled with one thing in general, Love.  She did not inspire a great career or to make her mark on the world, she only inspired to be loved and have a home and family.  She thought she accomplished that until her world fell apart in 2012.  Her spirit was destroyed, her family, everything she had thought she wanted was not what it seemed.   Love is in the “eye” of the beholder and those around that choose to believe.   Mel was our 2nd child.  Born after we lost our 1st.  I called her my miracle child because I could not have any more children and she was “made” and born at just the right time.  She was truly a miracle child that has gone home.

Mom’s Notes

Melissa, it’s going on 4 months now and you are constantly on my mind.  I’m not sure if it is just because Mother’s Day is 4 days from now or what.  But it is a nagging feeling just encompassing me day and night.

The days just pass by so quickly.  It just doesn’t seem like I have enough time in the day to accomplish much of anything.  I still need to get the kids room cleaned up, get their clothes sorted and take some up to the store.  We still need a date for a yard sale.  All of your things are still in the shop.  And I want to move.  You know I need to move.   For our sake and the kids.  You are all around us here, but in a good way.  I’m just so sad here because of all the circumstances.  We all need to start over.  The kids love to come “home”, yet they still will not sleep in their room.  I understand and so we just continue to make a big pallet in the living room.  This is another reason why we need to move on.  We need a place that we can all be at peace together. 

Your picture hangs in front of me still, every day, every moment I am here I see your face smiling back at me.  You know how I wish it was you in person.  I miss you so much.  I am now having such a hard time with it.  I hate to cry, hate it, hate it.  You know I hold it all in and yet I hate that to.  There just isn’t much I can do either way to make things better.  Yet wait for the next day to come and the next and the next and wait for that one year mark so that I can look back and say one year has passed.  It is just a milestone to get me through, that’s all.

So many things to say and this is the best way I know how to do it.  I’ve been thinking about a blog……not sure I want everything in public view.  I don’t really think it matters anymore, who cares other than maybe there are others that just don’t know how to perceive the pain that comes from losing a child….again.  I only have 2 comforts at this point.  Knowing you are both together and knowing that you are with Christ.

You know that Audrey has been calling and texting me to check on me.  God bless her.  The friends die off after a while.  They just assume you are doing better and I just lie when they do call.  I don’t like for anyone else to feel sad.

Michelle has been a God send all the way around.  She keeps up with me in more ways than one and realizing I need to keep up with her more.  She helps to keep me focused and a swift kick in the rear when I need it, but you know I do the same for her.  The nagging feeling is gone so I suppose it was for me to call Michelle.   We seem to feed off of each other but in a good way.  I know we were led to be friends and stay connected all these years. For this one purpose if not for the future.  Send your peace her way, she needs a little of your “redneck” about now.

…Jeff came by a few days ago, I guess you know that.  I’m not sure what his full intentions were.  He talked to us for a while and your Dad had to go outside.  I know it was a bit rude but then again he just can’t take too much conversation over any of it.  Jeff wanted to go into your room.  I let him, but went with him.  He said he could “smell” you.  I know exactly what he meant.  Your “scent” is still in the room.  A beautiful, pleasing, soft scent.  I love walking in your room.

Just the first of many that I can say “I started.”

I love you.