May 6th, 2014

Our challenges are still like a mountain. The in depth pain of loosing my Munchkin was and still just seems like a dream. I keep wanting to just wake up and it was all a bad dream. A long, bad dream.

But it isn’t. I know it is reality and so I get up every day, put on a smile and go to work. I have to say I am thankful and blessed that I can still work at home, but my career involves me motivating people, training them and talking to my own customers. Try being the “perky person” during a season of emotional devastation. All I can say here is I have some really good friends!

Enough of that. I have made it, I am stronger and I will survive it!

How did I do it?

By seeing her in that one dream really touched me, internally. I felt a glimpse of the peace she was in. Unimaginable peace and the true definition of what God is.  I have never in my life ever had that kind of “feeling” like I did in my dream, and when I awoke.   I can still close my eyes and put myself back in that dream and feel those moments.  That is why it is so strange to speak of it, because I was not the same person as I am here.   Here I have the stress of daily life in my dream, there was no such thing.  Total peace.

It really boils down to Positive brings Positive and Negative brings Negative. Positive is Christ and all that he is and all that he offers.

One of my really good friends put it to me this way. “It isn’t meant that we are NOT to have,” because it is written that all you have to do is “Ask and it shall be.” It doesn’t mean that we don’t deserve something, it just means that what you are asking for is sometimes NOT what is meant to be for you! That if you put all of your faith in Christ and trust that faith, that Christ will lead your life into the right direction. We may call it “rewards,” but I would rather see it as positive attracting positive.

When we try to lead our own lives is where we get into trouble. Some times the path’s we are wanting to take do not have the best outcomes and yet we will fight our way to get it. When so many obstacles stand in our way, we try to see those as adversity and IF we try to overcome it, we will get what we want.

But IF you look at WHY those obstacles are in front of you to begin with…….you might come to realize that it  is Christ trying to steer you clear of what IS not meant for you! That it will only bring you unhappiness and emotional or physical trauma. IF you were to view those obstacles that were set in front of you as “a sign,” possibly one you were asking for but blind because it was not what YOU wanted, your life would of went on to a more positive path!

All of this is hard. It is hard to see what is right in front of our eyes. Because we are greedy in wanting certain things. But if we listened to our hearts and our own “inner feelings” we would come out way ahead.

I am guilty of this. But I like to FEEL the goodness that is upon and bestowed upon me every single day. When I do that, I feel wonderful! When I let the emotions try to take over, or my worries then I stress and get sad and burdened. Letting go of this and trusting that it will all be taken care of will lift your spirit to new heights, new beginnings and new wonderment into your own life.

I say this because I am guilty of it, but also because it lead to my Munchkin fighting for what she wanted or thought she wanted. When she stood on her own two feet and dug her heels in and put her faith and believe back in Christ, she glowed! Wonderful things came her way. When she tried to go back to what led her to the misery, she perished.

It is a daily, physical and emotional devotion so to speak, to hold your head up high, get up and smile and move forward. Trust in the “positive” because that is where you are at your best!

Much love.

Long Journey

I can say that 11 months has passed since you left.  A very long 11 months.  So many things have happened and I know you’ve been with us.  I look for your guidance at times, both of you actually.  But I know your guidance here is not the same as to where you are.  I ask for guidance as to dealing with the pain.  To take it away.  To let me move on.  I know how but it is the hardest thing to do, is to move the pain away and let the guidance in.  

The pain is a mother’s way of wanting to stay connected.  To still know that our love is there, yet it is now a painful remembrance.  Not the love that we want but it is the only one we can feel.  To accept the guidance that I know you are telling me, is to look beyond the pain and feel the spirit.    For when I do that, I feel all the love and the comfort and can move in another direction.  The “love pain” keeps me from doing what I want, but it is out of guilt that I do that.   Guilt as in…….you leaving before us.   Part of me doesn’t want to move on. 

The kids give us that love whether they know it or not.  Just being here, playing and arguing and having fun.  They love the new place.  So do we.  It was like you picked it out for us.  It has play ground equipment on the North side to which Cason calls it “The Park.”  He loves playing out there with his sister and brother when we get all of them together.  It was late in September when we finally got all moved in and cleaned and painted the place.  It was a lot of work, but we are enjoying it.  I call it “Serenity.”  It is less acres than we had before but more than enough for us right now.  The large Pin Oak trees are everywhere.   Your dad wants me to put up curtains on the back doors yet I love that when you walk by all you see are the trees.  It is seclusion on one side and a busy road in the front, but the scenery takes away any noise that you hear.   I have many ideas as to what to do outside.  The playground needs some attention to make it safer for the baby.  I figure it will be a spring project and look forward to it.  

Next month is your one year.  I have looked forward to it as my passing, my marker.  Knowing one year has gone by without you in it will let me know I can make the coming years.  This month so far is bleak.  I have almost finished the Christmas shopping yet I cannot stand to hear the Christmas music.  I’m not ready to be that happy, that joyous of the season.  We will get the 2 older kids next week yet I still haven’t heard from the babies dad.  I had hoped it would not come to this.  I had hoped he had broken enough hearts on this side and we could all move on.  Yet, you know where we are and you know we actually expected it to happen.  He’s been good all year with letting us get the baby, and now at Christmas and a new girl friend it has came down to us being pushed to the side.  I would of worked and had hoped we would be able to work on some sort of relationship in the future.  These are things that GOD will take care of.  I’m not going to worry about it anymore.  His Christmas will stay there until we get him.  I had just hoped it would be all 3 together since the older 2 want him also.  Youth has it’s limits and it isn’t experience that you inherit.  That always comes in time. 

I plan on stepping forward soon.  I was waiting for all of my “first’s” to happen then I can step into where I’ve been called.  To help me is to help others.  I knew I had to experience and go through all of my first’s without you before I could manage all of my feelings and put them together.  I am tired of feeling down and depressed.  It is the rocky road we have to endure.  I am looking forward to help build a bridge for those that will need it.  I have to admit I’ve done most of it this year by myself, which isn’t good.  Michelle has been there for me a lot but most of it as you know is all personal gain.  We have to walk the path still on our own thoughts and our own days to get past the pain to be able to step into our new live’s without you. 

You are not gone, I know that.  Only your physical form as I know you are with me now and giving me inspiration because I have not once shed a tear while writing this.  Touche’.   Mark that down as an accomplishment! 

Life continually changes, life goes on.  

Love Mom. 

 

PS: I’m praying for our little Jaxson.  I know GOD is watching him…..but he has had a set back and he is so young.  Be with your cousin and give her your strength.  They need it now.  Lift him up to GOD and I pray GOD will heal him.