All I can say is WOW……………..

This has got to be a roller coaster and I am ready to get off.

Munchkin…….was it an accident? They say it is still under investigation. I am still in shock and it was 2 weeks ago. Did you great him in heaven?

I hate it when you get a phone call and the person on the other line asks you to “sit down.” You know it is not great news. Of course it was “here-say” at this point, but she asked if I had heard about our youngest grandson’s father being shot and killed the night before? Your husband.

“No,” I said. I haven’t heard from anyone, what happened. I got her version of the story and told her I would make the phone call. If it was true or not they would talk to me. He was (is) our grandson’s father. I had to pull myself together at the moment, I was actually shaking. While this was being told to me my mother in law and oldest grandson were standing in front of me and I had been reiterating the story to them and had Case go get his Papa and tell him what I had just heard.

After I hung up we were all in a state of shock at this news. We (me and your husband) were not on the same page in life since you passed away, but I never wanted this or any death to come to him. I had actually just spoke with him 2 weeks earlier and I had told him that I hoped in the future he gets remarried so Witt can have a mom. One that could love him as much as you did. He is only 4 and so loveable now, he could still bond with someone and that was all I wanted. I did not want him raised by just us grand parents.

His life was just coming together after 3  years of your passing.  His had just received his settlement from the accident and quit working and took Witt full-time.  I did not ask the final total but he just said he did not have to work anymore and he could finally be a full-time dad to Witt.  So even though I was a bit envious of that news (because you were a part of it all and you would have been well taken care of, financially at this point IF you both were even still together).  But it was what you were helping him with and taking care of him.   All of these moments were running through my head when I pulled up his mom’s name on my phone.  I decided to just send a quick text, “I just heard some very disturbing news about “C.”  Is it true?

……………………..and then my phone rang.  It was her.

“Yes,” she said.  “C” is gone.  He was shot in the side and they could not save him.  I just sat there in silence and let her tell me everything.  Going more and more into shock and disbelief.  He may have been shot by his girl friend, yet she was saying he committed suicide.   I have to admit I do not believe he committed suicide.  He just came into a lot of money, his life was coming together, he didn’t have to work.  He could do what he wanted and was even coaching Witt’s T-ball team.  He was finally gaining some happiness.  I don’t think I can accept the notion of him shooting his self.  Yet which ever way this turns out there is still one little person who no longer has any parents.

My heart was breaking for my little Witt.  He is only 4.  I knew he would never know or remember anything about you Munchkin, but now not even his father.  He will have no memories what so ever of either of you.

I went to church the next day and took Case with me.  Now that he is living with us I am going to make sure he goes to church.  I was being pulled so much to stop by their house and see Witt.  I just needed to be with him.  Case did not want to go.  I told him he did not have a choice.  He could stay in the truck, but I had to be with Witt.

They were not expecting us when we arrived, only Rus (“C,s” dad) and a friend were outside standing in front of an old boat that was gathering weeds on the side of the house. He told me Witt was with someone who went to the pharmacy to run off some pictures and would be right back and that Rhoda was inside. I saw tears in his eyes and told him how sorry I was.  He just slowly shook his head in understanding and introduced me to his friend.   I decided to go in and Rhoda just grabbed me and hugged me and we grieved together.  For our children were now both gone.

Like I said, this family was not at the top of my list as friends, but we were connected by our grandson and our concerns were the same for him.  Here we were united.   While we spoke for a while, Witt came home and was so happy to see me.  I hugged him up and gave him Meme kisses and it made him excited, I then told him that his big brother was out in the truck and he could go see him also.  He wanted to know if he could come home with us.   Holding back tears because it is all I wanted to do.  To get him away from sadness and despair that was to come, yet I told him maybe not right now.   To just go see brother for a bit.  He was happy and jumped down out of my lap and ran outside calling his brother’s name.   We spoke for a bit until I knew I needed to leave.  They were having to go up to the funeral home and make arrangements, so I did end up taking Witt home for a few hours until they were done.

I can not believe how twisted this life is.  We took our oldest grandson in because of him just not getting along with his father and step mother and other issues.  It was only six weeks of  school left and not the best of times to switch schools but we all discussed this and believed it was the best.  Case is happier here but we did have to have a “come to Jesus” meeting.  Basically telling him me and his Papa are not as young as we were and we do not have it in us to raise another child.  I told him what I expected out of him and if he could be responsible enough to up hold these things and be a hundred percent part of this house hold then we would all get along on a full-time basis.  Coming to visit us once or twice a month was one thing, living here was going to be totally different.  So now with us having him full-time, and then hearing about Witt, it seemed life was beginning to churn again.

I guess I could have fore seen something happening by the feelings of being drawn back to church for the past few months.  I had been having such a strong pull to have more faith full people around me. I do not know how to explain it but of a spiritual nature was calling me.  I now see it as preparing me for what was coming.  Kind of a re-charge.

God works in mysterious and silent waves through out our lives.  Here I am again.  But I am strong in faith.

Two weeks have passed and Rhoda still says they have not released their findings on “C’s” death.  She of course believes it was not suicide……………..although I also know someone from the “girlfriends” side and have heard other things….. This should get even more interesting.

 

Waiting on that Miracle —– Any time now

Just went over the bills.  Ummmm, not looking so good. Last month was slower than normal for a December in my business as a Scentsy Consultant.  I had to give up one show to stay with the dogs since all of our dog sitters were actually gone.  The team I manage isn’t doing as well as I expected we would for December and so the commission check came in…….”ouch!”   We will be living it lean this month. 

Which leads me to next month’s big show in Houston.  I’ve been running numbers and really do not see how I can make it.  We may have to take out of the husband’s business although I hate to do that.  I keep thinking it is time for me to find that part time job to bring up my side of the income and yet I’m so used to doing my own thing all of these years, it’s even harder to read job openings.  I just clench thinking I may have to go work for someone else.  I worked for the insurance company for over 14 years which was a telecommuting job.  More “tele” than commuting. Then quit and went full force into Scentsy managing my team, working my business, training and such.  It is an entirely different world than working 9-5.   But something has to give.  

We have plenty of items to sell out in the garage from picking up that storage unit to the rest of Munchkin’s items.  Yet we want to wait until Spring.  It will be a lot to get out and we need good weather to bring in the crowd.  (We were somewhat professionals at this for a few years). 

I guess the Lexapro is working because I’m not stressing too much over it. 

I am an entrepreneur at heart.  But with the economy the way it is, it doesn’t make that kind of lifestyle a rich living.  Chickens or feathers! Scentsy has been chickens all of these years, but some roller coasters must go down before they go back up.  I did manage to build my own website (yea).  This was something that was on my mind for over 2 years.  Munchkin just kept us so busy with her life that I never quite had the time.  It seems I finally “had the time.”  I need to learn more about the SEO and building links, it will come when I can get my interest back in it.  Right now, it was another step for me.  Each item you check off your list is a step!  Even if you have not finished it in it’s entirety, it is a step forward. 

It is harder without you.  Things we didn’t really think about before of course.  The dog thing was one.  You, Munchkin would always watch the dogs for us if we had to go away.  Now I have to drop them off to other people.  I hate doing that.  Daisy (our 17 year old Dachshund) is too old to be boarded.  But then again it was nice to just have the entire weekend to myself.  I really needed that. 

So, I give my thanks every day as to people, things, prayers that come my way.  I know we have been blessed with so much even though sometimes I fret over the small things or finance’s, I know we have been blessed.  How could we not be.  I am/was the mother of two very special girls.  These blessings will continue, I know they will.  It is not the end, but a new beginning.  Not one I know we thought would ever happen but it is what it is.  It is up to us how we see it through. 

My lights will shine as two stars twinkle in heaven.  So every time I see one, I will forever count it as a wink. 

Much love,

Mom.

Long Journey

I can say that 11 months has passed since you left.  A very long 11 months.  So many things have happened and I know you’ve been with us.  I look for your guidance at times, both of you actually.  But I know your guidance here is not the same as to where you are.  I ask for guidance as to dealing with the pain.  To take it away.  To let me move on.  I know how but it is the hardest thing to do, is to move the pain away and let the guidance in.  

The pain is a mother’s way of wanting to stay connected.  To still know that our love is there, yet it is now a painful remembrance.  Not the love that we want but it is the only one we can feel.  To accept the guidance that I know you are telling me, is to look beyond the pain and feel the spirit.    For when I do that, I feel all the love and the comfort and can move in another direction.  The “love pain” keeps me from doing what I want, but it is out of guilt that I do that.   Guilt as in…….you leaving before us.   Part of me doesn’t want to move on. 

The kids give us that love whether they know it or not.  Just being here, playing and arguing and having fun.  They love the new place.  So do we.  It was like you picked it out for us.  It has play ground equipment on the North side to which Cason calls it “The Park.”  He loves playing out there with his sister and brother when we get all of them together.  It was late in September when we finally got all moved in and cleaned and painted the place.  It was a lot of work, but we are enjoying it.  I call it “Serenity.”  It is less acres than we had before but more than enough for us right now.  The large Pin Oak trees are everywhere.   Your dad wants me to put up curtains on the back doors yet I love that when you walk by all you see are the trees.  It is seclusion on one side and a busy road in the front, but the scenery takes away any noise that you hear.   I have many ideas as to what to do outside.  The playground needs some attention to make it safer for the baby.  I figure it will be a spring project and look forward to it.  

Next month is your one year.  I have looked forward to it as my passing, my marker.  Knowing one year has gone by without you in it will let me know I can make the coming years.  This month so far is bleak.  I have almost finished the Christmas shopping yet I cannot stand to hear the Christmas music.  I’m not ready to be that happy, that joyous of the season.  We will get the 2 older kids next week yet I still haven’t heard from the babies dad.  I had hoped it would not come to this.  I had hoped he had broken enough hearts on this side and we could all move on.  Yet, you know where we are and you know we actually expected it to happen.  He’s been good all year with letting us get the baby, and now at Christmas and a new girl friend it has came down to us being pushed to the side.  I would of worked and had hoped we would be able to work on some sort of relationship in the future.  These are things that GOD will take care of.  I’m not going to worry about it anymore.  His Christmas will stay there until we get him.  I had just hoped it would be all 3 together since the older 2 want him also.  Youth has it’s limits and it isn’t experience that you inherit.  That always comes in time. 

I plan on stepping forward soon.  I was waiting for all of my “first’s” to happen then I can step into where I’ve been called.  To help me is to help others.  I knew I had to experience and go through all of my first’s without you before I could manage all of my feelings and put them together.  I am tired of feeling down and depressed.  It is the rocky road we have to endure.  I am looking forward to help build a bridge for those that will need it.  I have to admit I’ve done most of it this year by myself, which isn’t good.  Michelle has been there for me a lot but most of it as you know is all personal gain.  We have to walk the path still on our own thoughts and our own days to get past the pain to be able to step into our new live’s without you. 

You are not gone, I know that.  Only your physical form as I know you are with me now and giving me inspiration because I have not once shed a tear while writing this.  Touche’.   Mark that down as an accomplishment! 

Life continually changes, life goes on.  

Love Mom. 

 

PS: I’m praying for our little Jaxson.  I know GOD is watching him…..but he has had a set back and he is so young.  Be with your cousin and give her your strength.  They need it now.  Lift him up to GOD and I pray GOD will heal him. 

 

The passage

Searching for answers and reason is a normal process in which we all must go through when we loose our children.  The reality is slow, yet it will come.  These first few posts are my way of dealing with some ongoing issues that I have and a release.  I will get through it, yet I will never get “over it.”  And never, ever use those words (get over it) to a person who has lost a child.  We “Get through it.”  Never do you get “over it.”  

Answers come in many formats.  The most common is having someone to talk to.  If you have a loved one, a friend, even just an acquaintance that has lost a child, please call them.  Even after so many months pass they still need a release.  It takes about a year to get passed the “open wound” that we feel.  The best way to describe it to people who say “I cannot imagine what you are going through” is to imagine part of your Soul gone.  It is such a deep, intense pain that feels like part of your insides have just been ripped out yet you are physically intact.  

When people say “I don’t know what to do.”  You lend an ear.  This is what they need.  Help keep them busy.  Idle minds is what we revert to and when we are idle we have nothing better to do than to think of what we no longer have. 

Send them letters or even a card months after just letting them know you are still thinking about them.  We believe our best passage is to not talk about it.  It is and it isn’t.  We have to move on, yet we feel guilty doing so because we are still here. 

Searching will come in forms of books.  I, myself cannot buy one that tells you how to “deal with loosing a child.”  I look more into the spiritual books.  I look to be closer to my children whom are in “different forms now.”  

They will question God and Why.  This is normal, but will pass in time.  God is what gets us through.  Our answers are not what we have been brought up to believe.  We question God because we cannot believe a child can be taken from us.  YET, the age doesn’t have any measure in our existence here.  I believe our “task” is done.  Completed.  We all come from God and we go home to God.  That is our ultimate reason for making our life here.  To go home and be with God.  

When our children make it there before we do.  Then you were blessed with souls who’s tasks here were short. We must endure because we still have many things to learn.  

Having faith will rest the fear. 

 

Munchkin

The lovely Munchkin.

Mel just turned 30 on the 2nd of January and passed away on the 21st.  My blog has to do with my Mel but I promise it will not be a memorial of sorts.  Her death was early and unnecessary.  She left behind 3 children, me and her father plus many family members.  Her adult life was troubled with one thing in general, Love.  She did not inspire a great career or to make her mark on the world, she only inspired to be loved and have a home and family.  She thought she accomplished that until her world fell apart in 2012.  Her spirit was destroyed, her family, everything she had thought she wanted was not what it seemed.   Love is in the “eye” of the beholder and those around that choose to believe.   Mel was our 2nd child.  Born after we lost our 1st.  I called her my miracle child because I could not have any more children and she was “made” and born at just the right time.  She was truly a miracle child that has gone home.

I can do all things through Christ which strengthens me!

Little do you know what power the title holds over you.  This is such a powerful statement to wake up, through out the day and last thought for the night that it can and will completely change your life and your entire profile.  

Sometimes even I forget it when I get busy but when I remember it and put it back in my thought process through out the day it changes every aspect of who I am perceived and how I perceive those around me. 

If you are walking and waking without a lifeline, I’ll lend you mine.  This is your life “on a cloud.”  It will pull you up and it will strengthen you.  To me the most powerful verse the bible has and what seems most inspirational speeches, scripts and teachings all come down to.

In the last few months and for the days to follow this is my lifeline. 

I’ll tell you soon enough about our “Melissa.”  A beautiful person who would give her last cent to help someone else and yet couldn’t help herself out of her own pain.